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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Day Fifteen of Lent

In my attempts to better understand the Catholic faith and my own journey converting, I'll be spending this Lent doing a daily reflection of things I've learned. The faith encourages reflections on subjects like this (even the Pope reflects!) so I figure I'll reflect through writing. As always, my understanding of this is noobish so forgive any wrong conclusions and do feel free to correct me where needed. Here we go. 

The blackbook today asked a great question, one which I had an immediate answer for. "What is God calling me to do in my life that I find most difficult to accept?"

Be patient. Wait. I HATE waiting. I hate it, especially when I feel like I can do something.  It kills me to wait, it does. I like taking action and doing something, which (if you read yesterday's post) is one of the reasons why I felt so bad yesterday (and did so bad) as I can't really do much of anything for my friend. He lives a solid day and a half away from me, which I'm more than willing to drive that far, but I'm otherwise engaged this weekend and can't get out of it.

Timing. It sucks sometimes.

I like taking action and, nearly a year ago, took a Myers Briggs personality test that called me an INFJ. An excerpt below:

The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert ...

Which, when I polled my friends, everyone was like, "Yep, that's you, man."

I'm still perturbed by that but I can't help but prove it right. Which I kinda hate because that makes me wrong initially. So, I'm an INFJ and I have passions and desires and strong opinions ... this is me, yes, I get it.

And the Lord is calling me to wait. Be patient. To breathe and relax and let his plan come to fruition and I'm ... not. Look, I can be patient--when it's not a goal I'm actively working towards. I can be patient with others. With children. With dumb customers. With events I have no control over (that don't in any way relate to someone I consider a friend or family).

But waiting? WAITING?! It infuriates me. I want to go out and run laps at this very moment because waiting seems so wasteful. I can be doing SO MUCH but instead I'm waiting for God's plan to take shape. However that's happening.

Look, I'm convinced it is taking place. I am now, I wasn't for awhile there. I have bad days (see yesterday) and I have good days (somewhere). I can remember the bad days way more than the good ones (the good ones just don't stick as well).

But there are things in my life that I'm being asked to wait for that I'm having real difficulties waiting for. I'm waiting for that special girl to enter my life. I'm waiting for resolutions to multiple situations with my friends. I'm waiting for the elimination of that sad sack of loose skin that's on me. I'm waiting on the Catholic church to get me confirmed (next Easter, chisel it into STONE).

But it's not like I'm just waiting! I'm working on all those things. Holy mother of mayhem, am I ever working on them. I have bad days, yeah, but I have more good ones than bad (surprisingly, but the statistics bare this out) and blast it, I feel like I should have some sort of payoff.

I know, I know. "God operates on his time, not ours," you say. "We don't deserve anything but hell," you say. "There's no guarantee you'll ever get a payoff," you say. Yeah, I get it. I do, really.

But just because I do doesn't mean I should be happy with it, even though that's what's being asked of me. I shouldn't be angry about waiting, I know. I'm not bitter but I am pissed ... it's not a good emotion to have. I don't get it. I still don't really get it.

I'm a thin guy. Not as thin as I want (working on that, 130, here we come!) but I'm thin. I don't know why. Why allow me to achieve that when there was no reason for me to? What could possibly be achieved by me being thin? The answer is ... well, everything I've done since. I wouldn't have been able to do it without being thin. It's not just a physical thing, it's a mental thing, a confidence thing ... I have a little confidence now. I know I can do some things.

But what's the big thing? I'm not just thin to do all those little things, those minor things, am I? My pride wants me to have some bigger effect on the world. Nothing major, but something moderate ... hell, I'd settle for having my weight loss story published by the site I found Primal on. I submitted that back in November of 2012. I have heard nothing since and I'm pretty sure it'll never get published.

So much for being a "success" and my weight loss being "amazing."

Am I thin for my possible future wife? If that's the case, God (who has a great sense of humor, don't get me wrong) is seriously setting me up for the joke of a lifetime. My dating exploits aren't worthy enough to fill up a paragraph. Sure, I broke the streak this past fall of datelessness (awesome) but it led nowhere (not awesome) and I'm not sure what the point of it was, other than a message from God saying, "See, it's not that hard, Zach. Just chill."

In which case, that feels like a tease of the worst kind.

If I could just figure out why I was allowed to exist as I was to exist as I am, I think I'd be fine. That's the root cause of EVERYTHING that has transpired for me in the last three years. Three years that seems to be a completely different lifetime ... three years living a life that can't possibly be mine. It's too good, filled with too many good people, and the failures have been rather minor.

I deserve a big, nasty, horrible failure to come crashing down and crush me. To make it so I can barely breathe and I'm hearing my heartbeat in my ears as my eyes strain against the inevitable darkness that approaches. I should be struggling to live.

Instead, I'm not. I'm not and I don't get it. I'm being tasked with something, but what?

I don't know. But the most difficult thing God is asking me to do is wait and that frustrates me.

Thanks for reading, folks. God Bless. 

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