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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Macaroni is Macaroni

Today was a pretty good day I feel. I had fun, I did good (in my estimate), and didn't screw up too badly. But I did screw up on microwavable macaroni. I made it wrong and got called out for it.

And I am unbelievably pissed I did it wrong. Irrationally so. I took a twenty minute shower just to drown out some of the anger, just to take the edge off, and it did. But as we speak I'm angry about macaroni and the fact that I messed it up tonight.

No big deal, right?

Should be. But I'm pissed. I screwed up easy to make microwaveable macaroni.



Screwed up.

I'm stressing over it. I want to punch a hole in a wall. Lots of holes in one wall, maybe two if I get into a real good groove.

It's a simple task, one that I should be able to do at the not-so-tender age of 24. I can make microwavable food, I've spent years doing it in various parts of my life but I can't seem to quite get this particular brand of microwavable macaroni down.

I got called out on it. I got defensive, waged war for a good ten minutes, and then ate a glorious dinner.

But it's just pathetic. I should be able to make microwaveable macaroni without much trouble. It's easily done by others. I can't seem to get it right.

The day was good. It was a good day and I'm sitting here focusing on failing to make macaroni right.

I briefly entertained the idea of taking the macaroni and stomping it into oblivion on the driveway outside. Though it would have been amazingly emotionally satisfying it only proves the point that I'm obsessing over something that doesn't matter. 

It's just macaroni.

That's all.

I want to go outside and walk/run just to get this out of my system. It's really anal and completely stupid. It's cold outside. I just took a shower. I'm at the end of the day where I can unwind, relax, and chill.

But I am quite wound up.

It's just macaroni.

Certain factors have triggered this. I had some caffeine this morning. I'm kinda stressed about my weight (it's lower than where it was last weekend but not where I want it to be). It's nearly Valentines Day (I HATE YOU). Getting through this week will be a challenge but I knew that this weekend.

So I did what I had to, took care of what I had to, to get through this week. Next week will be significantly easier for me to get through than this week (I think) but I don't plan that far ahead. Plans=failure.

Which is the bottom line here: I hate to fail. It's a toxic thing to me. It makes me go into rage mode. I don't like to lose.

I'm a sore loser. Always have been. No one in my family likes playing any board games with me because if I lose I make other people miserable. I don't mind losing I just mind failing to win, if that makes any sense.

I'm better at it than when I was a kid but, honestly, this is a core character flaw that hasn't been solved. I still fail and I fail to deal with that failure (the ultimate source of frustration). Is there anyway to get passed this?

I guess a deeper understanding of myself would help. Writing helps. I hopped on here to blog about this to write this out and it has helped. I'm not beating the crap out of my keyboard like I was ten minutes ago.

So, I'm a sore loser and hate to fail. Okay ... that I knew but I still hate going into rage mode over something as stupid as macaroni.

I wish I could say I was better than that but I've proved tonight I'm not.

It was said to me, in the great ten minute war, that I'm going to have trouble dealing with life if I can't accept a little failure.

It's a true statement. I have trouble dealing with life, as has been proven in the many blog entries here and in my own actions, so I can't debate that.

I'm not sure how to fix it or if it can be fixed. I feel this is likely a permanent core character flaw.

But if I can change my body as radically as I have, I figure I at least have a shot at an internal change too.

Said shot feels very small right now.

It's just macaroni.

Thanks for reading folks. Good night.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sometimes Failure is a Good Thing

"You never really know until you try." We all here this phrase and it's one that sticks in my craw. I don't like this phrase. It implies not trying is a bad thing. It says to me "Zach, if you don't try that's akin to failing and we all know that failure is a bad thing."

Well, I stand (sit) here before you today to say failure can be a good thing sometimes.

What has brought me to this conclusion?

The best worst idea I've had in a long time: drinking some Jack Daniels.

(WARNING, gory details to follow. If you have a weak stomach, just exit now.)

Now, by this point, most know that I'm a lightweight. A few glasses of wine and I'm drunk. Wine ain't got nothing on whiskey as far as alcoholic content is concerned. The Jack Daniels I had was 40% by volume.

Yesterday (that would be Friday) I had it in my mind to get completely trashed. I was overdue, usually I get drunk once a month and it's a nice release, but I was three months behind and in the type of mood where bad decisions are easy to make for dumb reasons.

Yesterday, I made a bad decision and got me a 375 milliliters of Jack Daniels (not a bottle, more like half a bottle). It was ... awkward, to say the least. Jack and I have not encountered one another since Spring Break 2008. That was the first and last time I ever had Jack Daniels. Of course in 2008 I was heavier, so it didn't wreck me nearly as bad or as fast as it did this time.

Anyways, I had me some Jack Daniels and by some I mean most of that little bottle I got. I used my brand new Star Trek shot glasses (including two Scotty's, so I got really wasted), jumped on a Skype call with some friends, and started drinking. After the fourth shot I don't remember a blasted thing but witnesses claim it was utter hilarity before I signed off and flopped into my bed.

That was around 8PM I suppose and the next five hours I was out like a light.

When 1AM rolled around, I was suffering from an unstoppable nose bleed and was at the beginning of a massive hangover. The next three and a half hours were spent kneeling before my toilet, spewing my guts everywhere, and wondering why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

I mean, seriously, this was such a bad idea that EVERYONE agreed I shouldn't do it. Everyone on the call. Everyone who knew my plans. Unanimous agreement that this was a bad idea.

Well, it was. I hadn't touched Jack Daniels since 2008 and I don't plan on doing it ever again. We're adding Jack to the permaban list immediately.

I've spent most of today in a daze, drinking Vitawaters, and taking lots of naps.

How, you may ask, has all this brought me to the conclusion that sometimes failure is a good thing?

The Jack Daniels was a culmination of a ton of events but primarily a week of really bad choices on my part food wise. I have not been eating as cleanly as I should of late and that helped lead me to a nasty 147 reading on the scale. My clothes were starting to get a little tighter and I was starting to get a little anxious.

Anxiety and I don't mix well. In the past I would deal with anxiety by eating bad food.

... pretty much did that this week. I''ll gladly admit I was a poor human being for most of the week in my humble opinion and the easiest way to get things back on track was to get completely wasted.

When I get wasted I really, really, get wasted. I used Jack Daniels not only to get drunk but to also shed some pounds. I'm proud to report that it worked, I weighed in at 145 this morning.

If you find that disturbing you have every right to. Just know that I planned it as such.

Anyways, the failure of myself this past week in eating clean resulted in a night of misery, a day of fasting, and a cleared mind.

I still had some Jack Daniels left, actually, but I poured it down the drain. That's where it belongs.

Some observations for those of you considering taking a night to get completely trashed. This will likely serve as a reminder to myself more than anything not to do this again.

1. Lots of Blood

For some reason the large amount of Jack Daniels in me caused a massive nosebleed which drained into my stomach in that five hour blackout period I had from 8PM to 1AM. I was not only blowing out blood but also vomiting it. This I did not anticipate and is worrisome according to the more veteran drinkers I know. I'm not sure why there was so much blood but whatever the case, it made things a lot messier than they had to be. I promptly threw everything in the wash the first time I woke up this morning.  

2. Strange Nightmares

You ever have your nearly six year old laptop grow a set of razor sharp teeth and eat your hands? Well, it happened to me in one of my crazed drunk dreams I had during the three and a half hour period of ultimate misery sitting on my bathroom floor. I passed in and out of consciousness but I remember that dream.

I suspect it was my anxiety about buying a new laptop (which I ordered today and should see late next week) and the feelings of guilt I have for replacing my old one I'm using now. God, we've gone through a lot together ... I have pictures of it when it was virtually brand new. But it's hanging on by a thread and we've both come to the conclusion that it's time to move on.

Still, getting a new laptop is a huge investment and one I didn't make lightly. Weeks of research and polling led me to buying one today ... I can only hope it lasts as long as this one. I doubt it'll do more than three years.

3. Garlic and Whiskey Don't Mix

In brilliant fashion, I decided the best thing to eat while getting boozed up was some garlic Parmesan potato chips. Since this was my big blow out for the week and the last day I would be eating uncleanly, I decided to go for broke (and they were on sale, two for five). It was a poor choice. Spring Break 2008 I had microwave burritos and pizza with the whiskey ... the heavier stuff appealed to me then. It didn't yesterday. I would have been better off with them, maybe, but I anticipated I'd see whatever I ate again anyway.

Still, major nastiness. Worst taste ever. Don't mix those two. Ever.

So, you see, failure did result in a few good things for me. I've had a hard reset and it wasn't fun, but it's over now. I can start fresh this week and I can do right, as I am fully capable of doing. Was it the simplest way to go about this? No. But simple and I don't really mix. The simpler something is the harder it is for me to accomplish.

So I took the hard way (getting completely trashed) and it was easier for me. Strange, yes, but strange pretty much sums me up.

Do yourself a favor folks and just stay away from the hard liquor. Wine is so much better.

Thanks for reading and good night.