Today was a pretty good day I feel. I had fun, I did good (in my estimate), and didn't screw up too badly. But I did screw up on microwavable macaroni. I made it wrong and got called out for it.
And I am unbelievably pissed I did it wrong. Irrationally so. I took a twenty minute shower just to drown out some of the anger, just to take the edge off, and it did. But as we speak I'm angry about macaroni and the fact that I messed it up tonight.
No big deal, right?
Should be. But I'm pissed. I screwed up easy to make microwaveable macaroni.
I'm stressing over it. I want to punch a hole in a wall. Lots of holes in one wall, maybe two if I get into a real good groove.
It's a simple task, one that I should be able to do at the not-so-tender age of 24. I can make microwavable food, I've spent years doing it in various parts of my life but I can't seem to quite get this particular brand of microwavable macaroni down.
I got called out on it. I got defensive, waged war for a good ten minutes, and then ate a glorious dinner.
But it's just pathetic. I should be able to make microwaveable macaroni without much trouble. It's easily done by others. I can't seem to get it right.
The day was good. It was a good day and I'm sitting here focusing on failing to make macaroni right.
I briefly entertained the idea of taking the macaroni and stomping it into oblivion on the driveway outside. Though it would have been amazingly emotionally satisfying it only proves the point that I'm obsessing over something that doesn't matter.
It's just macaroni.
I want to go outside and walk/run just to get this out of my system. It's really anal and completely stupid. It's cold outside. I just took a shower. I'm at the end of the day where I can unwind, relax, and chill.
But I am quite wound up.
It's just macaroni.
Certain factors have triggered this. I had some caffeine this morning. I'm kinda stressed about my weight (it's lower than where it was last weekend but not where I want it to be). It's nearly Valentines Day (I HATE YOU). Getting through this week will be a challenge but I knew that this weekend.
So I did what I had to, took care of what I had to, to get through this week. Next week will be significantly easier for me to get through than this week (I think) but I don't plan that far ahead. Plans=failure.
Which is the bottom line here: I hate to fail. It's a toxic thing to me. It makes me go into rage mode. I don't like to lose.
I'm a sore loser. Always have been. No one in my family likes playing any board games with me because if I lose I make other people miserable. I don't mind losing I just mind failing to win, if that makes any sense.
I'm better at it than when I was a kid but, honestly, this is a core character flaw that hasn't been solved. I still fail and I fail to deal with that failure (the ultimate source of frustration). Is there anyway to get passed this?
I guess a deeper understanding of myself would help. Writing helps. I hopped on here to blog about this to write this out and it has helped. I'm not beating the crap out of my keyboard like I was ten minutes ago.
So, I'm a sore loser and hate to fail. Okay ... that I knew but I still hate going into rage mode over something as stupid as macaroni.
I wish I could say I was better than that but I've proved tonight I'm not.
It was said to me, in the great ten minute war, that I'm going to have trouble dealing with life if I can't accept a little failure.
It's a true statement. I have trouble dealing with life, as has been proven in the many blog entries here and in my own actions, so I can't debate that.
I'm not sure how to fix it or if it can be fixed. I feel this is likely a permanent core character flaw.
But if I can change my body as radically as I have, I figure I at least have a shot at an internal change too.
Said shot feels very small right now.
It's just macaroni.
Thanks for reading folks. Good night.