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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Sometimes Failure is a Good Thing

"You never really know until you try." We all here this phrase and it's one that sticks in my craw. I don't like this phrase. It implies not trying is a bad thing. It says to me "Zach, if you don't try that's akin to failing and we all know that failure is a bad thing."

Well, I stand (sit) here before you today to say failure can be a good thing sometimes.

What has brought me to this conclusion?

The best worst idea I've had in a long time: drinking some Jack Daniels.

(WARNING, gory details to follow. If you have a weak stomach, just exit now.)

Now, by this point, most know that I'm a lightweight. A few glasses of wine and I'm drunk. Wine ain't got nothing on whiskey as far as alcoholic content is concerned. The Jack Daniels I had was 40% by volume.

Yesterday (that would be Friday) I had it in my mind to get completely trashed. I was overdue, usually I get drunk once a month and it's a nice release, but I was three months behind and in the type of mood where bad decisions are easy to make for dumb reasons.

Yesterday, I made a bad decision and got me a 375 milliliters of Jack Daniels (not a bottle, more like half a bottle). It was ... awkward, to say the least. Jack and I have not encountered one another since Spring Break 2008. That was the first and last time I ever had Jack Daniels. Of course in 2008 I was heavier, so it didn't wreck me nearly as bad or as fast as it did this time.

Anyways, I had me some Jack Daniels and by some I mean most of that little bottle I got. I used my brand new Star Trek shot glasses (including two Scotty's, so I got really wasted), jumped on a Skype call with some friends, and started drinking. After the fourth shot I don't remember a blasted thing but witnesses claim it was utter hilarity before I signed off and flopped into my bed.

That was around 8PM I suppose and the next five hours I was out like a light.

When 1AM rolled around, I was suffering from an unstoppable nose bleed and was at the beginning of a massive hangover. The next three and a half hours were spent kneeling before my toilet, spewing my guts everywhere, and wondering why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

I mean, seriously, this was such a bad idea that EVERYONE agreed I shouldn't do it. Everyone on the call. Everyone who knew my plans. Unanimous agreement that this was a bad idea.

Well, it was. I hadn't touched Jack Daniels since 2008 and I don't plan on doing it ever again. We're adding Jack to the permaban list immediately.

I've spent most of today in a daze, drinking Vitawaters, and taking lots of naps.

How, you may ask, has all this brought me to the conclusion that sometimes failure is a good thing?

The Jack Daniels was a culmination of a ton of events but primarily a week of really bad choices on my part food wise. I have not been eating as cleanly as I should of late and that helped lead me to a nasty 147 reading on the scale. My clothes were starting to get a little tighter and I was starting to get a little anxious.

Anxiety and I don't mix well. In the past I would deal with anxiety by eating bad food.

... pretty much did that this week. I''ll gladly admit I was a poor human being for most of the week in my humble opinion and the easiest way to get things back on track was to get completely wasted.

When I get wasted I really, really, get wasted. I used Jack Daniels not only to get drunk but to also shed some pounds. I'm proud to report that it worked, I weighed in at 145 this morning.

If you find that disturbing you have every right to. Just know that I planned it as such.

Anyways, the failure of myself this past week in eating clean resulted in a night of misery, a day of fasting, and a cleared mind.

I still had some Jack Daniels left, actually, but I poured it down the drain. That's where it belongs.

Some observations for those of you considering taking a night to get completely trashed. This will likely serve as a reminder to myself more than anything not to do this again.

1. Lots of Blood

For some reason the large amount of Jack Daniels in me caused a massive nosebleed which drained into my stomach in that five hour blackout period I had from 8PM to 1AM. I was not only blowing out blood but also vomiting it. This I did not anticipate and is worrisome according to the more veteran drinkers I know. I'm not sure why there was so much blood but whatever the case, it made things a lot messier than they had to be. I promptly threw everything in the wash the first time I woke up this morning.  

2. Strange Nightmares

You ever have your nearly six year old laptop grow a set of razor sharp teeth and eat your hands? Well, it happened to me in one of my crazed drunk dreams I had during the three and a half hour period of ultimate misery sitting on my bathroom floor. I passed in and out of consciousness but I remember that dream.

I suspect it was my anxiety about buying a new laptop (which I ordered today and should see late next week) and the feelings of guilt I have for replacing my old one I'm using now. God, we've gone through a lot together ... I have pictures of it when it was virtually brand new. But it's hanging on by a thread and we've both come to the conclusion that it's time to move on.

Still, getting a new laptop is a huge investment and one I didn't make lightly. Weeks of research and polling led me to buying one today ... I can only hope it lasts as long as this one. I doubt it'll do more than three years.

3. Garlic and Whiskey Don't Mix

In brilliant fashion, I decided the best thing to eat while getting boozed up was some garlic Parmesan potato chips. Since this was my big blow out for the week and the last day I would be eating uncleanly, I decided to go for broke (and they were on sale, two for five). It was a poor choice. Spring Break 2008 I had microwave burritos and pizza with the whiskey ... the heavier stuff appealed to me then. It didn't yesterday. I would have been better off with them, maybe, but I anticipated I'd see whatever I ate again anyway.

Still, major nastiness. Worst taste ever. Don't mix those two. Ever.

So, you see, failure did result in a few good things for me. I've had a hard reset and it wasn't fun, but it's over now. I can start fresh this week and I can do right, as I am fully capable of doing. Was it the simplest way to go about this? No. But simple and I don't really mix. The simpler something is the harder it is for me to accomplish.

So I took the hard way (getting completely trashed) and it was easier for me. Strange, yes, but strange pretty much sums me up.

Do yourself a favor folks and just stay away from the hard liquor. Wine is so much better.

Thanks for reading and good night.  

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