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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Day Eleven Through Fourteen of Lent

In my attempts to better understand the Catholic faith and my own journey converting, I'll be spending this Lent doing a daily reflection of things I've learned. The faith encourages reflections on subjects like this (even the Pope reflects!) so I figure I'll reflect through writing. As always, my understanding of this is noobish so forgive any wrong conclusions and do feel free to correct me where needed. Here we go.

I slacked off this past weekend and didn't do as much as I wanted, but that's my fault. I got caught up in other things and didn't take the time to really reflect on what was going on. Yesterday was a particularly tough day, as a friend of mine went through some serious heartbreak (a woman he had been with and thought he knew for years up and left him). It made me feel utterly horrible and I was really, really close to breaking and grabbing some pizza.

I didn't. I was literally seconds away when my best friend IMed me and we chatted till the late hours of the night. Pizza was removed from the equation. I wish I could say today was better, but it wasn't.

I was still disturbed by the utter heartbreak my friend was going through, felt helpless and I went for the pizza. I went for the comfort food and at first it felt good, but by the second slice I was feeling pretty bad about it. I had a third slice and the guilt was pretty severe at that point.

One bad decision then led to another as I was tempted -- and gave in -- to Twix (my favorite candy ever). My day was wrecked and I'm at odds with myself at this point.

The blackbook had been talking about acknowledging our sinfulness, committing ourselves to be a better disciple to the Lord, bearing our crosses without bitterness but with acceptance, and trusting that God's will will be done.

I pretty much failed all that in one day. One. Day. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pissed. I came up with some BS justification for it when I caved but by the second slice I knew it was wrong and by the third slice I had lost any appetite for it. I had been doing SO good this far in and I have crucial tests in the coming weeks (visiting family and friends, neither of which eats all that well). I caved today because I felt horrible for my friend.

I felt like I could do nothing and, sadly, I really can't. I and others are attempting to band together to help out as we can, but it feels so much like nothing it's not even funny. It feels useless. He lives in the Pacific Northwest, so I can't simply drive over there and help in person ... it has to be over this great distance.

It feels wrong to me. He's a great guy and he's a great writer and he's a human being who deserves happiness ... instead he got his heart broken by the one he was sure was going to bring him happiness. That's a horrible betrayal and one I wish he was spared.

I don't get it. I don't understand it and I'm mad. I'm mad for my friend and scared for myself. I wish I could say this wasn't about me, but it is in some ways because that kind of heart breaking betrayal, I know the feeling a little. Mine wasn't nearly as bad nor was it nearly as important in the grand scheme of things but it still hurts.

And I don't want to hurt like that ever again. I want my heart to not break. I want to find a girl and be able to say, "Yes, she's the one!" and be able to ride off into the sunset (and I'm riding in my car, not on a horse -- never on a horse). But how exactly can I trust in God's will, his plan, when good people like my friend keep getting screwed over?

It's scary. He put himself out there and he was hurt, bad. I wonder if I'm destined for that again and I know it's the likeliest scenario. I know everyone goes through multiple rounds of hurt before they find the one they're destined to be happy with. I know this. I write this in my characters all the time.

But I can't seem to shake the fear and what happened to my buddy reawakened that fear in me big time. I went hyper-analytical last night, in my IM chat with my best friend and in my head as I tried to sleep. I played out multiple scenarios of how my best laid plans will just crumble before me this upcoming summer and beyond. How nothing I want is achievable. How it's all so worthless.

I was in a bad place when I woke up this morning and it just got worse as the day went on. Pizza. Twix. All can be traced back to what happened to my friend.

I'm disappointed in myself. A lot. I really was doing really well and tomorrow is my shot to make it up. I can fast tomorrow, workout hard, clear the air between myself and ... well, myself.

I honestly think that maybe all my sinning is really just the reason why I suck so much with girls. If I was a better Christian, a better Catholic, would I be so inept? Would I cringe so much at the pictures of myself in the past? I'm kinda trapped there, you know. I'm not past me but am past me. Parts of that person still exist and I'd rather they didn't. The whole is a mishmash at the moment.

I just want to be right, whatever that is. I really do. But I feel like today I didn't just slip, I tumbled down multiple flights of stairs and faceplanted at the bottom. I came head-to-head with a stressful situation I could not affect in a direct way, and caved hard. I sought out comfort and I found it, only to find guilt in its place.

I screwed up today. And I really wish I could reset, do it over and just not go through it. I really do. But I can't.

Trusting in God is tough when bad things happen to good people, especially those I know. Tomorrow, I'm gonna hit it hard and not eat. Gonna get right. Gonna try.

Thanks for reading, everyone. God Bless.

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