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Monday, December 19, 2011

Not Enough Showers

I know the title may sound a bit confusing, but hear me out. I don't have enough showers; not in the literal sense but the figurative one. You see, while driving back home after a late night movie with some friends, I came to realization that my car is my shower; not the place I wash in, but a place where I feel comfortable in doing pretty much anything.

Now, I don't about the rest of you, but I don't sing in the shower. I don't do anything in the shower that isn't necessary in the shower. I get in, I get out, and I get done. That's been drilled into my head by my parents; it's a side effect of having three other siblings and a limited amount of hot water. Anyway, the point is that I don't find the shower a place where I'm comfortable enough to do anything.

My car is my shower, by default. I was driving back late last night singing along to some classic rock and I was having a blast. Hardly anyone was on the road, I had green lights all the way, and I was singing along like a fool. I didn't feel like one, but I have no doubt I looked like one.

It was great. The problem is, I need more places like my car. I need more showers. In my car, by myself, able to rock out and have fun, I feel is where I'm at my best. Too often during the course of a day I find myself thinking about doing one thing, but doing something completely different in the end. The reason I do something different is because of the fact I'm not comfortable doing what I want to in the first place.

This happens to me ALL the time. Notably, in social functions. Even more notably, around women during social functions. Last night-prior to the late night movie-I went to a church Christmas party. A lot of people were there of various ages, but mostly it was the teenagers/young adults of the church. Now I (and many of the guys in my church) are lucky enough to have a plethora of attractive young ladies in our church. I, however, turn into a mute at most social functions unless I'm in the zone.

I was very much NOT in the zone last night. I was tired from the weekend so far to that point and I wasn't exactly in my comfort zone. Sure, I was friends with a lot of these people but there's a difference between friends and friends. The former is a title casually thrown around for people you see often but don't exactly know really well. The latter is a word used to describe someone you know fairly well and can rely on. Most of the people at this party were the former and not the latter, thusly I was outside my comfort zone by a lot.

I'm not exactly the smoothest operator on my best days, so during this party I opted to just not try. I had a lot of things I wanted to do that I felt would be fun. I could have jumped into any number of conversations and added something interesting into the mix. Instead, I pretty much just shrunk, kept silent, sipped my water, and waited for...something.

Towards the end I did end up playing a game with a large group of the college aged folks there (Apples to Apples-I lost by a wide margin. In my defense, it was the first time I played the game in many years) and that was fun. Socially, I pretty much got an F as my party grade.

I wasn't in my shower. Admittedly, my car was right outside the house and I could have gotten into it, but that would have been awkward trying to party from outside in my car while everyone else was inside. Let's face it, not a viable strategy.

The party wasn't a total bust though. Though I socially failed, I did make a lot of great choices food and drink wise. As with any Christmas party it had all kinds of great junk food and sweets...I didn't eat a thing. They had sodas too...I didn't drink a single one. Just grabbed a bottle of water and stayed pat. I was pretty proud of myself for that.

But I don't eat in my shower (my car) normally anyway, so I don't think this is something applicable to that. In the end were I more comfortable with myself and who I am, I would have been great at the party. Historically, I've never really been all the way comfortable in my own skin. Which is my I need more showers.

If I can just expand the areas where I feel comfortable and stop over-thinking things, maybe I can find a voice during parties; especially around attractive young ladies. Unfortunately, I just don't really have a clue how to do that other than just plow ahead blindly and hope I strike gold during a party. The likelihood of that is small-more likely is that I plow ahead, hit an iceberg, and sink like the Titanic. I can't help but plan ahead for worst case scenarios coming true simply because I've had a lot of them come true in the past.

Is this a bad habit? Yes. A bad frame of mind? Sure. The only way to solve it is to be more confident in myself. That's easier said than done though.

I just wish I had more showers. That, or enough room in my car to throw a party.

It's another day of me just living...and learning.

As always, any and all comments are welcome. Hope you enjoyed.

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