It boils down to the simple fact that it (wine) deadens the part of my brain that makes things go haywire. You know that part of the brain that tends to overthink things and freeze you at the worst moments? Wine sedates that part of me. Admittedly, it makes my typing skills a little worse (but not that bad) but it's a fair trade off for the pure RELIEF of it all.
Relief is such an underrated thing. I don't drink often. I have the ability to do so (money + a good teacher in wine = a decent understanding of what's good and what's not) but I usually don't. Simply because I, a man of extremes, have the tendency to go to extremes. I certainly have an ability to stop. I just don't.
Because being drunk and having part of my brain deadened is more enjoyable most nights. Look, I'm not advocating a constant state of drunkenness. As with all things, the more you do it the less effective it is. I am, however, advocating a form of self-medication that (likely) is poor in comparison to the legitimate medication I can get. Because I guarantee you I can get some legitimate stuff. I certainly qualify.
And I hate to tell you and myself, but I'm done. I'm so done. Wine (and booze) in general can only solve so much. I've dealt with the crazy for a long time and I've finished. My brain is clearly screwed up. Not only do I disregard every wine-drinking rule there is (like mixing white and red) but I'm such a person of extremes I can't open a bottle and NOT finish it. I have to.
Alcoholism runs on my mother's side of the family. I shouldn't drink at all and, frankly, my mother's prevention of any alcoholic drink in the household during my youth (and continued prevention to this day) kept me away from it until I got to college. And even in college, the one time I indulged I really hated it so I didn't do it again for three years. I should be better at drinking. I'm pretty decent, but no alcoholic.
Bottom line: I'm finished. Not in the sense that I'm giving up (God knows I have a hard time doing that) but rather in the sense that I'm tired of dealing with the shit my brain throws at me. Because wine (and booze in general) is really the only thing to stop such shit.
Honestly, I'm quite fucked up. I need a therapist, at least, and probably someone who can prescribe stuff realistically. I have a tendency, at least half the week, to stay up to all hours doing crazy shit. Not writing, but talking to myself in bed. Acting out strange scenarios where I'm fighting the good fight and going against someone or something. I toss. I turn. I take hours to fall asleep some nights as I try to get my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP.
And I'm done. 2013 is nearly over. Guess what? I lost. I can't succeed dealing with this myself. I don't have any excuses. I don't have kids. I'm not married. I can't even manage to date a girl I like and who likes me. My oldest little brother is involved with a very pretty girl who actually likes him for him, he's growing as a human being, and I hope they work out.
Meanwhile, in Zach-land, I struggle to get a date.
Seriously? Fuck. That. SHIT.
Done, ladies and gentlemen. I tried to get therapy over this past summer and everyone was full up till the fall. I couldn't wait. Now? I still feel like waiting sucks, but I'm done with this shit. I've reached an end point. I can't possibly achieve what I want in life if I can't control my brain, even a little.
Let's face it, I have issues. Extremism. Impatience. Pride. Stubbornness beyond all belief.
I will be alone and single for the remainder of my life if I don't figure out how to take the edge off these things. I have insurance till I'm 26. I'm converting to Catholicism. I work a job. I volunteer at charities. I write. I clean. I attempt to be more than I am.
My time is limited but not limited enough to where I can offer a valid excuse for not trying. I can't NOT try anymore. I tried it my way. It failed.
Game Over Man.
So, with 2014 nearly here, I want to declare to all those who care my intentions to get therapy, maybe even some drugs (and I hate taking pills almost as much as ketchup). I'm declaring my intentions for a new (not buzzcut) hairstyle, and I'm declaring my need to keep enjoying wine.
2014 will be a gamechanger. I plan to make it that or die trying. It's a 50/50 shot right now.
I'm betting on me.