The Search Bar

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sex... Yes, I Went There.

Sex. It's a word that has, throughout history, been associated with far more than just the physical act. We're all familiar with the anatomy. We're all educated in biology class and health education on how it all works, as far as the ins and outs of the thing.

I'm not here to discuss that aspect of it: there's no room to debate that aspect. What I want to discuss is why it seems so important.

From where I'm sitting (in a teal computer chair I have yet to fall backwards in which makes it my favorite computer chair ever), sex seems to be so... small. Little. Unimportant.

Yet, almost universally, sex is seen as majorly important... there are a couple of different views on this. I have problems with all of them so prepare yourselves... it's gonna get dicey.

1. Society:

"Sex. All. The. TIME."

In the past, say ten years ago, I would have labeled this bullet point as "Western Society" but increasingly the world is becoming more connected, more involved with one another, and the lines of various cultures are being blurred. Individual cultures are quickly becoming one, global, internet fueled culture.

Today, that culture celebrates sex at every turn. I mean, everywhere... it's everywhere. Like the zombies in various George Romero films, sex has pretty much infected every aspect of our life. Society has demanded this. Sex is at the various retail stores you go to (Target, I'm looking at you: Do you REALLY need to put the lingerie section at the front of the stores near the door? Seriously?), the billboards on the highways, in many commercials you see, in virtually every movie, and then there's the pop music.

But the most recent offender, literature, has been infected with sex thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" and all the sequels (junk) that has spawned off that. People are hailing that book as a CLASSIC? Seriously?

Society has desensitized us. It's desensitized me. There was a time in my life when I felt a profound sense of... awkwardness... anytime I would see an attractive girl in a swimsuit. Now I can walk into Target, walk through the lingerie section and not think a thing of it. I can do this at the beach, where girls in bikinis register on the radar for less than a second before it's merely reduced to nothing.

Society has drowned us in sex. They want to make us care... me? I'm dead to it.

Thanks for nothing society. So inundated with sex at every turn, I'm just tired of it... and the worst part?

I'm a virgin. Take a moment and clean off your screen from the drink you just spit all over and listen to me closely: I've never had sex. In my life. Ever. I have no reason to be tired of it as I've never had it.

Shocking? I feel like it is. In the world we live in, being nearly 24, I should be somewhat experienced by now according to what I'm told. If not in high school than certainly my years in college should have allowed me to experience it. But I didn't subscribe to that theory and I had no shot with any girl in high school/college anyway due to how overweight and out of shape I was.

I mean, sure, if I looked hard enough I could have found a willing partner... but I wasn't going to look that hard. It wasn't a priority. Why wasn't it?

2. Church:

"Sex must be saved for marriage. IT MUST. That's all we have to say on that."

I was raised in the church. I like church, I'll freely admit that. Am I the most well versed Christian? Nope. I suck at memorizing verses. Have I avoided the dreaded "hypocrite" label? Nope. I sin often, I repeat the same sins often, and I mess up more than most people do (in my opinion). Am I some sort of saint? Nope. The closest I will ever get to sainthood is going to a New Orleans Saints game.

But sex in the Church boils down to this pretty much: If you're not married, don't have sex until you are. If you messed up and did have sex before you're married, you're forgiven and expected not to repeat the mistake (even though we are humans, creatures of habit, and we often repeat the same mistakes over...)

That's pretty much it. We don't talk about. We don't reference it. We don't speak of it and if we do, we do it in hushed tones while the coffee maker is roaring to life like a 747. Maybe it's different in other denominations, but us Baptists... we don't mention it.

And if someone has the audacity to bring it up (say, me) then the topic is shut down almost immediately. No one talks about it.

No wonder we all seem so ignorant on the subject... as far as what the Church wants us to know on the subject of sex, it's very simple and not detailed at all. There's a significant knowledge gap.

But it was drilled into me, since my preteen years, that sex is reserved for marriage alone. It cannot, it should not, it WILL NOT be used in any other way as far as the church is concerned. Unless, you know, it is and then you're forgiven but told not to do it again...

It's maddening. Kids growing up in the church, going from children to teenagers, aren't given enough guidance on the subject. I wasn't. My siblings, one nearly 13 and another 15, likely aren't getting that much guidance either. You know where they're learning the most about it?

School. Not any classes mind you, but from the people in their classes who engage in sex. Teenagers can't get simple chores right, you think their insights on sex are any better? (The answer to that is an emphatic no.)

The primary reason I never had sex is because I made a promise, when I was 14, not to do it until I was married. I signed a piece of paper and had my name stuck to the "promise wall" in my Sunday school class. Said wall was a bulletin board and by the semester it was taken down. You want to know how many people in that class of mine kept that promise?

Not many as far as I know. But it was a promise to God. I've broken a lot of promises, some to my parents, some to my friends, some to my siblings, some to my employers, and the list goes on... I've even broken a few to God (the infamous "I promise I'll stop/do *insert phrase* if you do *insert demand*").

But for some reason beyond my own recollection, this promise stuck. I think it was because I had no social skills with girls (and still really don't), was in poor shape, and had no self confidence. All that pretty much holds true now, minus being in poor shape... I'm in the best shape of my life (literally... look at the pictures, it's true). 

Church was good for me in that respect... church was where that promise was made and it's been kept. I just have an issue with the whole "we're not going to talk about it or educate you on it" thing. I get it's awkward, I get it's kinda weird, but it's a necessity church. If you don't do it, the world does it.

And the world screws things up most of the time.

3. College:

"You're in college. You're going to have lots of sex. We're not going to discourage it... we're going to ENCOURAGE it. Look at all the condoms! Take as many as you want! Seriously, we have bins and bins of them... practice safe sex. Ignore the fact that these are cheap condoms and will break the next time you break wind..."

College was where most of my knowledge about sex comes from. I am told often in my writings that I write above my experience level and do it well. That's the nice way of saying "You know nothing about the crap you're writing about but it actually turns out okay... way to go noob."

Why am I so good at writing above my experience level? Because of college. I've never had sex. I don't know the little things that go into it (I can hear the ladies laughing now at that line). It's all a mystery to me as far as personal experience goes.

But college is great because there are plenty of opportunities for other people to tell you (whether you want to hear or not) about their sexual encounters. Guys bragging, usually beer involved, and no way out. I've been stuck too many times in those types of situations and I've felt horrible every time.

When every guy in the room is bragging and you have nothing to brag about... it's awkward to say the least. It gets worse when there is no beer involved and the other guys notice you not saying anything. Then you have to announce the "I'm a virgin" thing and watch the "No *insert profanity* way, man!"

Maybe I was just late to the party in college. Maybe in high school I should have learned the stuff I did but... I can't imagine high school being that way in my day. Today? Sure. Six years ago? No way.

Nonetheless, I know far more now than I should know at this point about sex thanks to college.

I have a problem with this. The knowledge I have... the things I know, the maneuvers I'm aware of, the terminology... I think it's ruined me personally. It's contributed to the whole "sex is dead for me" thing I have going on right now. I didn't need that knowledge and I didn't ask for it. But I have it.

And I won't be using most of it until I'm married. Whenever that happens...

4. Married People

"Sex? We try and make time for it... to make it special. It's really not that important... but we do complain about the lack of it a lot. Usually to each other. And our friends. Really, it's not that important... yes, I am pissed at her because she won't have any with me but that's not the point. Just... I love my wife, you know? ...I swear, it's not that important! Why don't you believe me?"

I got a bone to pick with married people. One one hand, I'm intensely thankful the wisdom you give to me about these types of matters. I mean, you've been where I am (sort of) and you have far more experience than I do. You get things about certain situations that I don't.

On the other hand, why in God's name does it seem to always come back to sex with you people? It seems that you hold sex in such high regard... like it's the mountaintop. Once reached, you want to reach it again and again but why place SO much emphasis on it?

I'm confused by you married people. At one time you were like me, a single person... someone who didn't think marriage was likely for them. I would think that sex came often enough for you married people when you were single... and then when you got married sex got placed at a premium.

Do you hold it in such high regard because it happens so infrequently now that you're married? Is everything else that came before the marriage, in the courting period, rendered meaningless because the pinnacle-sex-has been achieved?

I have plenty of married friends (more by the day... it's like wedding season for my friends). I hear complaints about lack of sex from them and I wonder "Is that all that matters?"

This is the hopeless romantic in me but shouldn't other things be MORE meaningful than sex in marriage? Can't you have a throwback night and makeout like you're in high school? What about just holding another person's hand as the two of you lay down, look at the stars, and listen to some relaxing tunes?

Is sex so mind blowingly amazing that everything else before it-the kissing, the hand holding, the dancing-rendered moot?

Again, I'm confused. I don't get it. I have a problem with the idea that sex is so great that when you're married everything else that came before doesn't matter. I can't believe that at this juncture in my life. Because you're married doesn't mean that sex is the go to "let's be together" method... the other methods of being together should be just as valuable, if not more so depending on the tastes of the individuals.

I just find it hard to believe that sex in marriage is seen as the pinnacle and everything else before it is seen as juvenile. Yet, it seems that is the case. Married people, give me something to work with here... my observations can only carry me so far.

5. My View

Sex before marriage, for myself, is extremely unlikely. My beliefs as a Christian, as a human being, and as a hopeless romantic demand that sex be saved for marriage.

In today's world, I'm a freakin' dinosaur. My view on the matter is ancient to many... old fashioned, outdated, and incompatible with the world we live in. I can't say I disagree with that assessment. It seems like all the guys who let themselves have as much sex as they want get a lot more traction with the ladies.

But they're not going to get love like that.

And ultimately, that's what I'm after. Love.

The world we live in trades out "love" for "sex" and those two things are not the same thing. It's a misconception. Sex doesn't mean love and love doesn't mean sex... you can have one without the other. I think.

I would rather engage a girl on an intellectually and emotional level than a physical one. That's just how I operate and, sure, it's probably messed up. But it's how I operate. Sex, being the supposed "pinnacle" of physicality, should only be part of the equation.

Yet, so many make it a large part of the equation... or the entire equation.

I just don't place such a premium on sex as others in my generation and the world do.

I would rather be married than have sex. It sounds strange and stupid, but it's how I feel. I would rather have someone to love and care for, someone who loves and cares for me, than to have sex with them. I don't need sex. I don't really want it: it's just kind of a bonus thing with marriage.

The goal of marriage is not sex. It's love.

It's a goal worthy of any sacrifice in my mind. But my mind is pretty messed up, lol.

All right, I'm tired. I'm rambling. It's 12:15AM here and I've done enough here. As always, any and all comments are welcome. Thanks for reading.



No comments:

Post a Comment