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Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Where's the Other Shoe?

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was struck today by a sense of foreboding while at work, a sense that something was coming down the pike that I might not like. I thought at first it was just my imagination but then I was told I was going to have to report to work in the morning -- despite it being the first of five straight days off. So, I lost a day off, but it's not a horrible thing as I needed the hours.

Still, the sense of foreboding remained. I was told about having to come in tomorrow earlier this morning, shortly after I arrived for my shift, and the sense of foreboding has still remained. I think I know why the sense is there: I'm in the middle of a relentlessly good streak.

In terms of personal things, I've been very blessed since the new year has rolled around. I managed to keep my job (and keep most of my hours), my best friend avoided two serious health issues, my car isn't dying, I've been writing pretty decently, I've even managed to lose a little weight (still not back to 145 but I'm sitting at 148 now -- I'm closer), and I've completed my Catechism (which means I can now officially join the Catholic Church at Easter).

And all that is good. It's really good, but all that was Phase 1 stuff. All that was the preamble to the big stuff, to the things I want to do in Phase 2 of this plan of mine. Phase 2 being, of course, getting back to Virginia. This is where the sense of foreboding comes into play, as today I made the first declaration of my intent to get back there to work. I've begun the inquiry process of transferring to a store up there; tomorrow, I get to throw my hat into the ring fully and see where the chips fall.

I'm worried, naturally, though I really shouldn't be. I didn't anticipate having this job -- or having saved as much money as I have -- so this is all gravy, right? It is, yes, and it's also an incredible stroke of luck. IF I can transfer to a store in Virginia, it'd be awesome, but I don't think that's going to happen.

And, with Easter being on April 5th this year (super-early), I don't have time to waste on a pursuit that won't net me a job that gives me the hours and pay that I need to get a place up there. We're officially at the two months (and less) to go mark.

Phase 2 requires me to: get a job in VA, get a place to stay, and do all that before Easter so I can take confirmation at the my Catholic church of choice up there. That seems like a lot to do in two months time, not because the big things are but all the little things done with that.

If I get a job up there, they'll want a date I can be there: I can't determine that for sure until I have a place to stay, so I have to find a place to stay that's not craptastic, that I can afford, and I'll likely need at least one roommate to make some of the options work. I have to investigate these places to stay from afar, meaning I'm going to have to trust others to do some scouting for me/provide key advice for this.

I'm going to be putting a lot of trust in faith in other people, people I do trust mind you, but this is a big trust here -- this is a trust that's going to determine my living arrangements for the next few months at least (probably the next year). Doing all this from Alabama is difficult, to say the least.

I don't know if I can pull Phase 2 off. I think I can -- I really think I can do it, somehow, but there's a lot of things that have to go right. And that's why I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop; so much has gone right so far.

Something has to go wrong, doesn't it?

"But the cute girl you dated for a week broke up with you! That went wrong!" you say. That happened in November -- technically, last year. It's not recent news and the wound has healed some in that time span, so it doesn't hurt as much.

Where's the bad stuff? Where's the heartbreaking loss, the knife in the back, the twist that makes me regret getting up in the morning? I can't be due for all this, I can't simply be deserving of it. I know better to think I'm deserving of anything other than bad things ... I commit far too many sins and think far too many bad thoughts to believe I deserve a good streak.

But I'm mired in the middle of one now and I desperately want it to continue. Idealistically, Phase 2 goes off without a hitch: I get the transfer to VA, I find a good place for a good price, I'm able to help out the people I care about up there, I'm able to convert up there, and I begin the process of planting roots in an area I love with people I love.

That's a beautiful sentiment, but how likely is it? Statistically, it isn't. Something won't work, a key cog will get gunked up and I'll have to scramble. I'll have to find a workaround, I'll have to make a bet and hope it pays off.

My mind is running in circles and I can feel the stress digging into me. I know, I know, I should trust in God's plan -- I have issues with that, admittedly, so don't hate me for worrying over it. I'm a control freak.

I just need to remember to breathe and breathe I will. But I worry and I want this to work, as Phase 2 is the most important phase. It's the foundation being laid. Phase 1 was the prep work, Phase 2 is where the actual work begins.

I hope I'm ready for it.

Thanks for reading. God Bless, folks.

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