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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Talking to Jesus

*Warning, deep thoughts follow. Profanity likely, brutal honesty all but assured.*

"Tonight the simplest meditation there is. Take some time for yourself. Imagine sitting next to Jesus and share your day with him. Be honest. And know that he's listening." This is from Father James Martin, a prominent Catholic who posts stuff like this on Facebook.

Tonight's meditation has struck a cord with me because I was wondering about lost causes. I was researching St. Jude earlier this night and in reading about him (and killing my laptop battery in the process) I found that this guy and I, we might be made for one another.

When I become Catholic (hopefully next Easter, God willing), I get to choose a confirmation saint. And St. Jude is the first one I've come across that's really spoken to me. He's about lost causes and desperate cases. I feel like both and more most days.

The last few days my head's been lost in multiple dark rabbit holes. It happens sometimes where I get trapped in a cycle of thoughts that I just can't seem to break out of. So, taking Father Martin's meditation, here's my attempt at laying out my day to Jesus.


You ever tire of just seeing yourself? I get that way sometimes. I know everyone does at some point. This feeling has been prevalent a lot the last few days. I feel like I'm a waste and I know that I'm not, because you surely didn't die on the cross for a waste, but it still feels like that.

I'm fat, one ... okay, not REALLY fat. Just not at the weight I want. The weight I want might be unachievable, I don't know, but I feel like I'm failing at the one thing I thought I was good at. I was good at losing weight and now all I seem to do is just ... stay. Stay the same. It hasn't been a good winter/spring for me and now as summer approaches I'm sorta-panicking.

It's not like my clothes don't fit. They fit. They don't fit as well as I'd like, but they fit and I'm fine with that for now. I just worry about how all this plays out if I don't make my goal before June 1st. That's the pretty-sure-it's-summer date. June 8th is the for-sure-it's-summer date.

Why am I worried? You can't get by these days without presenting a decent appearance. Attractiveness is judged harshly and quickly and the judging process is pretty universal. Everyone does it and they do it during the summer. When guys are in swimtrunks alone and girls are in bikinis. Most of the body is on full display and there's no room for error.

Yes, I realize I'm starting out from a severe disadvantage. I have a sad sack of loose skin stuck on my stomach, ugly beyond belief stretch marks that are all over that portion and are very visible. My skin is a disaster there. I could cover up and I might, but it seems cowardly.

I did it to myself, Jesus. Shouldn't I just accept the judgment with little complaining? I don't know.

But the point is that judgement will come and there's nothing you or I can do about. That's right, you can't prevent others from judging me, not as long as we have free will. Unless that has an expiration date or a contractual loophole, in which case do feel free to intervene on my behalf.

I will be judged and I fail. I don't look like someone who's gonna be 26 (why am I still alive again?) in October. I look like I'm a teenager or someone in their very early 20s. I should be at my physical peak based on how I look but I missed it. I will never know what my peak looks like. I can achieve, generously, 75 percent of that. Probably 66 percent is the max I can achieve.

I'm not attractive to the opposite sex, not according to any evidence I have. That seems unfair but really it seems just damned mean. If I was going to be unattractive no matter what, why allow me to lose weight in the first place? The whole "God has a plan" thing continues to bug me.

The beach is coming. Judgement is coming. Failure is coming. Soon. It'll be here soon and I don't want to deal with it but I will out of the very desperate hope that someone out there is forgiving of me and that someone is a single female of the Catholic persuasion.

Oh yes, I hear the "You must first help yourself" argument and I'm working on that. Scheduling is a bitch some days, all right? But this is about my thoughts today and I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about my mind. You dealt with all the ways we human beings can sin, right? Right. How do you keep your mind from getting lost in the impure? Dude, I'm a male and we're visually stimulated and the world is rife with imagery EVERYWHERE. I admire the beauty from an aesthetic standpoint and I envy it to a degree.

But they hit my eyes and then I see them in some form/combination during the night. It's when I close my eyes that things get bad, when I have no control. I can't believe for an instant that this lack of control during the sleeping hours is just acceptable. My mind, unconscious or not, is my mind. No one elses.

I feel like I'm the worst 25-year-old ever for even asking the question. Most guys my age, my peers, have already engaged in some serious making out with girls, have fondled them, have had sex with them, have been in a relationship with them.

I have done none of this. Be honest with me, isn't that just a little bit on the side of wrong? Shoot straight with me: am I defective? Honestly, tell me if I am so I can just start accepting it now.

I don't want to be the 40-year-old Virgin. I realize that's a really poor example, but this is what it's boiling down to.

I want a wife. I want kids. I want the other side of the coin, my partner in the duet, the person that makes life make more sense. I get that pinning all my hopes on that is unrealistic and probably wrong, but the bottom line is I want love. Companionship.

And the way to achieve that, in this day and age, is to be attractive. Which I'm not. I'm not attractive on any level.

Really, look hard here. I take forever to warm up to people. I don't function normally. I am so socially inexperienced that toddlers roll their eyes at me. I'd rather hang out with kids in the single-digits of age than people my age at parties.

What possible purpose could a confounding creation like myself have?

I think I'm ill-equipped for this, honestly. I'm an envious person who has an overactive imagination and can't help but think how I'd do things better. How I'd be better with other people (who are already involved with others) and how I'd do things differently.

That's pride, right? Has to be. Pride is my downfall and I wish I could kill it almost as much as I wish I could kill the loose skin.

There's too much shit in me and I feel like I'm wasting your time and the time of everyone else by talking about it. The deep, dark rabbit holes are mine to get lost in. No one else needs to be part of that doomed expedition.

But I feel better getting it out there, so thanks for that.


Good night and God Bless.

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